What If Pests Had a Favorite Chain Restaurant?

Ah, chain restaurants: the wildly successful businesses that manage to invade every town, big and small, with their tall road signs and neon names. They are frequented by sports families attending tournaments in other cities, extended families who have a visiting cousin home for the weekend, and college roommates who want to have a non-cafeteria meal that doesn’t break their limited budget. Their menus are predictable and comfortable, especially for those of us picky-eaters who are hard-pressed to find a restaurant meal that we consistently love. With the abundance of chain restaurants, it raises the question for us: what if common pests could eat at these common eateries? They would definitely have their favorites, right? Let’s find out!

Just a small disclaimer: we are not saying that these restaurants have these pests. This is just a fun imaginary scenario that places these pests in our diner seats to eat some of our favorite meals!

Applebee’s – Ants

Applebee’s is one of the most common chain restaurants that seems to be found in the smallest of small towns across America. Similarly, ants are a very common pest that have plagued countless homes in every state. Ants are constantly searching for a food source to feed their colony and keep their already abundant population going. If ants were human, they would visit Applebee’s in large groups. They would be at that one flat-top table that seats about twelve people but not comfortably. Ants would visit for one reason only: the appetizers. Their large starter menu is the best part of visiting the neighborhood, and the various fried foods and dippable delicacies would be all that the ants could think about. They would share at least three servings of the combo platter, which boasts an impressive offering of the Applebees boneless wings, spinach & artichoke dip, chicken quesadilla, and mozzarella sticks. The ants would stay for at least an hour, catching up over their favorite dishes and enjoying the atmosphere complete with the most popular 2000’s pop hits. 

Cheesecake Factory – Bed Bugs

Some chain restaurants are more atmosphere-heavy than others, with their elaborate decor and mood lighting that makes it impossible to read the menu for people with even the best eyesight. Cheesecake Factory is one of those restaurants, and its strange combination of Victorian and postmodern aesthetics makes for a fancier chain restaurant experience. Bed bugs are nocturnal and seek out their food source at night, which is usually us innocently sleeping in our own beds. This is why they would probably love the Cheesecake Factory’s design, since the darker lighting and detailed design makes them more comfortable. The free brown bread would be a major draw for the bed bugs, who are open to any kind of food that doesn’t cost them anything. They would be all about the classics at this establishment, since they are creatures of habit and don’t move from a place of a reliable food source. Their favorites would be the avocado egg rolls as appetizers and the chicken riesling for their entree, which they would not pair with the wine due to their money-saving ways. But bed bugs would never be able to resist the temptation of a fresh slice of cheesecake, and their favorite would be the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle. They like it simple but sweet, and this cheesecake satisfies their cravings that are typically quelled by our blood.

Chili’s – Bees

Bees are a complicated insect when it comes to our relationship with them. They are very beneficial pollinators and keep our flowers growing strong every year, and use their collected pollen to produce honey in their intricate hives. They are also very docile, and won’t sting unless we actually touch them or threaten their hives. But that doesn’t mean we want them swarming our backyards, especially if there are young kids and pets living in the home. But one simple fact (or opinion) is that bees would love to frequent their local Chili’s. The abundance of entree options and spicy flavors would be the favorites of these insects, not to mention that classic Vine that brought the Chili’s name into popular culture once again. Bees wouldn’t be able to resist getting an appetizer every time, their preferences being the queso dip and the Southwestern Egg Rolls. Their all-time favorite appetizer would be the Honey Chipotle Chicken tenders and waffles, for obvious reasons. Bees would never go to Chili’s without the company of their best friends, other bees, who would talk about their long days of working hard and producing honey for the good of the world in between bites of their shared appetizers. 

Denny’s – Moths

Denny’s seems to be a classic chain restaurant mainly because of their convenience factor. Where else can you get a full, cheap breakfast at all hours of the night? One of the most commonly-seen nocturnal insects, the moth, would flock to a Denny’s whenever they get a craving for breakfast foods at 3:00 a.m. Moths are actually pollinators, and they like doing their job at night when they aren’t competing with the more popular pollinators like bees and wasps. This is why they would likely frequent their nearest Denny’s with the same group of friends who are also awake in the middle of the night. Moths would try just about anything on the menu once, but they wouldn’t be able to resist the Grand Slam. The combination of bacon, eggs, hash browns, sausage, and pancakes is everything that moths would want out of a diner breakfast. They would also drink at least two cups of coffee, not because they particularly enjoy it, but because they want to keep their high energy level up all night. Real moths can’t resist the glow of a patio light, so they definitely would be drawn to the gleam of the famous yellow sign towering above every building in its vicinity. 

Jimmy John’s – Spiders

Spiders are a simple creature that can do some pretty interesting feats of nature. Some sit and wait for their prey to wander into their web, while others go out on a hunt and jump on unsuspecting insects when they come in the spider’s line of sight. They know what they like and what they need to survive, and they don’t go beyond that. Jimmy John’s (or any chain sandwich shop) would be their favorite for a few reasons: they choose what they want, they take advantage of the rewards program, and they can take it back home to enjoy their sandwich in peace, like how real spiders take their prey back to their web. The spiders would enjoy any sandwich that has a variety of meat to match their appetite for protein, and they would add tomatoes, lettuce, onions, spices, cucumber, pickles, bacon – in short, everything! Spiders eat a sandwich to be fulfilled and feel like they’re being healthy, but that health factor may be out the window when they stuff their salted kettle chips into the sandwich for an added crunch. The convenience factor of Jimmy John’s is too much for the spider to pass up, which is why they would limit themselves to enjoying it only twice a week so they don’t spend all their money on delicious sandwiches. 

Mod Pizza – Wasps

If there’s one trait wasps are known for, it is being defensive. They defend their nest with their lives, and will not hesitate to sting anyone who comes near their sacred home. The location of the nest varies, with paper wasps hanging theirs from high places and yellow jackets living underground, but their stings deliver the same kind of pain to their victims. That being said, it seems logical to believe that they would love a customizable dining experience like Mod Pizza. This pizza lover’s dream is full of every topping you can imagine, and every customer can choose exactly what they want on their pie. Wasps know exactly what they want and don’t want, and don’t need time to deliberate on the menu. They would fly through the line, instructing the teenager working the toppings bar to pile on every kind of meat on their pizza (yellow jackets love meat!). And they would make sure to get their ending drizzle of buffalo sauce after the baking process, just for that extra kick of flavor that matches their spicy personality.

Olive Garden – Rats

One interesting facet of certain chain restaurants is the ones that seem to be saved for special occasions. There have been so many prom dates, birthday dinners, and cousin reunions that have taken place around the tables at the Olive Garden. The cozy atmosphere and Italian music makes the experience feel fancier than it really is. Rats would love dining at Olive Garden for a few reasons, one of which is the popular catchphrase that punctuates every commercial for the chain. Rats are rapid breeders and have large families, which is why having just one rat invading is never a good sign; reliable food and water does wonders for a growing rat colony. The unlimited salad and breadsticks would be unbeatable for the rats, who would bring their entire extended family for every visit to this restaurant. The server would know to just bring a new basket of breadsticks every time they come to the table since the previous basket would be devoured in about five seconds. The rat’s favorite dish would be the Tour of Italy so they wouldn’t have to choose between the classic dishes of chicken parmigiana, lasagna, and fettuccine alfredo. Olive Garden is often treated like the special occasion establishment for us, but the rats would definitely enjoy it more often than most families do in real life. 

Panda Express – Fleas

Fleas are an annoyingly-resilient pest that can survive on people, pets, and even carpet. They love blood and plant matter, so they will stay where they know the eating is good. It’s also common for a family of fleas to live on the same host since they all have something they like on there. Panda Express would definitely be the favorite of fleas because there is something for everyone in the family. The steaming food options under the glass case would make the fleas’ mouths water, and leave them wanting to get one of everything. The fleas would push two tables together to fit their whole family, even if they are visiting the Panda Express in the mall food court. The classic orange chicken would be the favorite of everyone in the flea family, but there would be a wide variety of entrees and sides in each of the flea’s boxes. They would also love the sides, especially the egg rolls and crab rangoons, since having a full meal is very important to the flea. And at the end of their gourmet meal, fleas would take turns reading aloud their fortunes from their fortune cookies to see if any of them got the same one. 

Red Lobster – Ticks

Ticks are one of those insects that you don’t think about much until they are attached to either you or your pet. They don’t invade homes in groups, and they aren’t drawn to our food or water. They just like to wait for a warm-blooded mammal to pass by, then they jump and latch on for a few days. Because of this disgusting habit, ticks would wait in high anticipation until their favorite time of year: Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest. This limited-time celebration of the expensive crustacean is beloved to ticks, who would invite their friends to have a fun night over a selection of the restaurant’s best lobster dishes. They would begin with the well-known delicacy, the cheddar biscuits, but make sure to save room for the incoming feast. There are many dishes to choose from, but ticks would probably choose a combination platter so they don’t have to pick just one dish. The lobster tail and grilled scallops would be their favorite; keeping it simple yet delicious is what ticks would love to do with their meals. They would eat to their heart’s content until they are absolutely stuffed (as ticks do), but they wouldn’t say no to a to-go box filled with more biscuits and lobster for a hearty breakfast the next morning.

Red Robin – Centipedes

Red Robin is another chain restaurant that is frequented by three main camps of customers: sports teams after winning a tournament, extended families getting together for the first time in months, and teenagers wanting to treat themselves to a full meal with their best friends after most of them have their drivers license. There’s so many burgers, salads, and chicken dishes to choose from, making this restaurant a favorite of big groups who need to make everyone happy. Centipedes would love eating at Red Robin after a long day of walking everywhere and burning a ton of calories through their rapidly-moving multiple legs. Centipedes are scarier in appearance than they are in personality, as they typically want nothing to do with us and just use their antennae to sense around their environment to make up for their lack of eyesight. One of the main draws for centipedes would be the bottomless steak fries, since the salty potato sticks are irresistible accompanied with the delicious barbecue-mayo sauce. Centipedes would pair their bottomless fries with their favorite breakfast-themed burger since they’re nocturnal and aren’t awake when the fried egg and bacon is normally eaten for breakfast. They would break the stereotype and only really go to Red Robin with one or two friends, as centipedes aren’t the most social insects ever. 

Texas Roadhouse – Roaches

Cockroaches are known for being one of the heartiest pests out there. What we mean by this is that they seem to survive just about every kind of common pest control trick that works on other pests, and they multiply as quickly as they appear. A cockroach infestation does not mean that your home or business is dirty, contrary to popular belief, since they can find food in just about every environment. Since they are so durable and ravenous in real life, it seems logical to believe that they would love the full meals at Texas Roadhouse as a chain steak restaurant. The free and fresh rolls accompanied with the country music ambience is very inviting to the roach family that visits the establishment, and they would ask for more rolls every time the server comes back to the large table. The extended roach family would be split into about five different conversations among each other, and the unfortunate booths around them would be subject to the wild stories that they would share with one another. The favorite meal of the cockroach would be a classic steak dinner, complete with a loaded baked potato and house salad. You may be wondering, how would they like their steak cooked? We guess it would be very rare; so rare that it would be, as your great-aunt would say, still mooing on the plate. 

Wingstop – Mosquitoes

We live in a wondrous time where chicken wings are no longer just a simple appetizer at pizza places. There are whole restaurants dedicated to the multiple flavor profiles that a simple wing can take on. The favorite restaurant of a mosquito would simply be Wingstop. Real mosquitoes only drink our blood when the female needs protein for her eggs – fun fact – and enjoy the delicious flower nectar the rest of the time. The protein of a good chicken wing would be irresistible for mosquitoes, who would also love the convenience factor of eating it at the restaurant or taking it home. Mosquitoes would visit Wingstop with their best friends on occasion, but they also wouldn’t mind getting some wings alone on a chill Wednesday night. Mosquitoes would get a minimum of two kinds of wings each time, and they would mix up the flavors so they wouldn’t get bored. Their favorites would be the classic wings with hot sauce and the Boneless Mango Habanero Wings. The sweetness of the mango is reminiscent of their beloved nectar, so it would be their go-to. The addition of loaded fries on the side with the strangely delicious Ranch dip puts the meal over the top for the hungry mosquito, who would devour their feast in about five minutes. 

Green Pest Services – Many Pests!

This isn’t a restaurant, but just because we don’t serve reasonably-priced appetizers doesn’t mean that our services are any less special. We are here to serve you and your common pest concerns, including ants, wasps, rodents, and spiders. Contact our team to learn more about how we can provide you with a pest-free home so that you have more time to spend on picking which restaurant to visit on your fun Friday nights.

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