What If Pests Had New Year’s Resolutions?

New Year’s resolutions are a polarizing tradition. The point of this tradition is to set a new standard for the upcoming year by starting new habits (or quitting old ones) in order to make the year better than the last. Some people look forward to creating new ones for themselves every year, others prefer to start better habits in the spring, and still others don’t see the problem with bettering oneself anytime of year. Whether or not you participate in these resolutions every year, it is fun to imagine what our common pests would choose to do in order to enjoy the new year. Let’s explore some possibilities of which habits these critters would choose and why, regardless of whether or not they actually stick to them.

Budget More – Millipedes

This is one of the most popular resolutions every year, and for good reason. Since we need money to pay the bills, buy food, and pay for other necessities, intentional budgeting is important and takes practice if it does not come naturally to a person. One pest that is not great at limiting itself is the millipede. Although they look like a creature from a science-fiction movie, these arthropods are one of the most effective recyclers of the animal kingdom. They eat dead animals and plants, putting nutrients into the soil underneath quicker than if the millipede wasn’t there. They need moisture to survive, and can often be seen near mulch and compost throughout the year. If millipedes had money, they would need to learn how to budget before they accumulate too much debt. Their spending problem would not be shoe shopping (even though they have about 200 pairs of legs) or fancy gadgets; it would be buying too many plants and expensive health foods! The millipede would have to budget for one new plant per month instead of six, and try shopping at the chain grocery store instead of the trendy health food shop downtown. As much as the millipede loves its house plants and overpriced health foods, it knows that it needs to have enough money for necessities before spending $30 on another plant to fill their living room.

Exercise Daily – Praying Mantis

The mantis is one of the most dangerous creatures of the pest world, but is thankfully harmless to humans. A praying mantis will sit completely still for hours, perched in its famous “praying” pose, until a random insect or small critter ventures a little too close. The mantis will then strike and pierce the pest with its sharp forearms, then enjoy its meal in peace after that violent experience. Speaking of sitting still for too long, exercise is another popular topic for people’s New Year’s resolutions every year. Moving our bodies just 30 minutes a day is enough to keep our muscles loose and provide a boost in endorphins to improve our mood and increase our energy levels. As muscular and intimidating as the mantis is, it would likely want to integrate more cardio into its daily routine. Its back and legs would probably be stiff from standing like a statue all day, so the mantis would be looking for a solution. It would start going to the gym every day and using the same treadmill in the far corner, but would eventually grow bored with it and go back to its old ways of flying a short distance before staying in one place for a long time. That is, until it decides to take up yoga as a means of becoming more flexible and exercising more without the hassle of moving too fast.

Travel – Drain Flies

Drain flies are a forgettable pest until we actually have them in our homes. They can’t bite or sting us, but they do spread plenty of bacteria due to their main habitat in the disgusting drains and pipes. These flies, which look like small fuzzy moths, live and breed in drains as they continuously eat the decaying matter that inhabits the pipes. Even though they can fly, drain flies won’t go far once they find a consistent food source. This general line of thinking is what can lead us to desire more travel opportunities. It is easy to continue with our daily routines and not do too much outside of work and go home, especially since everything seems so expensive today. But there is value in taking just a short road trip out to the beach or to the city for the weekend, especially if you can spare a little spending money for good food and activities. The drain flies would definitely resolve to travel more often in the new year and get out of their rut of staying in the damp pipes. They would travel to random locations throughout the year, mainly small towns with fun local spots and beautiful scenery (especially if there’s a body of water). The drain flies would eat at a local diner in each location, asking the confused waiters if they can have some unfiltered tap water to drink. But the drain fly’s favorite part of traveling would be seeing the different drains in their hotel rooms or condo rentals; every drain is different, and to the drain fly, there’s no drain like home.

Read Daily – Roaches

In a world full of technology and all kinds of distractions available to us, it can be easy to never slow down and enjoy some simpler hobbies that don’t have a screen. Reading books is still a common hobby these days, but it requires an intentional choice to stay in one spot and read instead of doing something more involved or fast-paced. Reading right before turning out the lights and going to sleep at night is the easiest way to incorporate it into your daily routine, if you haven’t already. One pest that definitely could stand to slow down a little is the cockroach. This persistent pest eats basically everything in sight, and can fit into the tightest of spaces due to its ability to compress everything in its body. It especially favors cellulose and starch, both of which can be found in cardboard and book-binding materials. Since it spends its days scavenging for food and reproducing, averaging about 16 eggs per month, roaches would resolve to relax with a good book every day. They would find plenty of reading material in their food sources, so the roaches would read a bit from every genre. They would go from romance, to mystery, to historical fiction, but their favorite would be westerns because it reminds them of their peaceful time before pest control. The only downside to this resolution is that the roaches wouldn’t finish any of their books because they would get distracted and move on to the next book in the cardboard box they invaded. 

Establish a Cleaning Routine – Flies

House flies are possibly the most annoying pest when it comes to the small critters who invade our food at parties and dinners. Where ants can only crawl to the food they want to enjoy, flies can fly for miles to get to a new food source and walk all over it before we shoo them away. This is because their taste receptors are on their legs and feet, so the flies need to walk on surfaces to actually taste the food. Dirty pests, like the fly, remind us of the importance of keeping a clean home. The thought of doing all the chores at once is overwhelming, so establishing a cleaning routine where a couple tasks are completed every day keeps it manageable. Even though house flies are notably gross, thanks to the bacteria that accumulates on their bodies from the garbage they walk on, they actually have their own cleaning routine. They rub their hands together, not to seem mischievous, but to clean their taste receptors in between meals. The fly would want to take their cleaning to the next level and create a whole chart detailing the chores they need to do every week. They would prioritize keeping a clean kitchen and the number of dirty dishes down to a minimum. The fly would start out strong by sticking to their schedule, but would eventually just continue with the chores that require more movement, like vacuuming and dusting, because the fly enjoys using their extensive energy to keep a clean home.

Take Breaks From Social Media – Wasps

Social media is a great way to stay in touch with friends and family who live in different cities and states, but it can become a huge distraction from the real tasks and activities we have every day. A more trendy resolution is to take time away from social media, usually a day every once in a while. As this is an effort to slow down and focus on what is happening in front of us, a fast-paced pest would also enjoy taking some time to function at a normal speed rather than the high speed of the internet. Wasps are always on the move, thanks to their aggressive personalities. They gather nectar and dead insects for food, build out the nest, and tend to the queen as she continues to lay eggs. Wasps are much more jittery than bees, especially through their higher flight speed and defense of the nest. Although wasps would have a strangely popular social media presence with their fitness page (over 5 million total followers), they would resolve to take one phone-free day per month. The first couple of times would be difficult, and the wasp would sneak a couple of scrolls in between their chores. But the wasp would eventually grow to love these breaks, even though they definitely don’t slow down when they are doing a million tasks a minute and using their newfound higher energy level to their productive advantage. 

Eat at Home More – Ticks

Ticks are one of the sneakiest bloodsuckers in nature. They hide on the ends of tall grass, plants, or trees until a mammal walks by and unknowingly allows the tick to crawl onto the mammal and hide as they search for the perfect spot to feed. Once it is engorged, the tick will detach and hide for a few days until it is hungry and begins the cycle once again. Ticks don’t have a home base for this very reason, so in a way, you could think of this as the insect’s way of constantly eating at a restaurant. Fast food and casual dining spots make it easy to grab a hot meal at a reasonable price, but the cost quickly adds up when we visit a restaurant every day. Home cooked meals can be as easy or complex as you want, but it still requires some effort to eat at home more often than eating elsewhere. A tick would resolve to cook more of their own meals, and would even buy a couple of cookbooks to motivate itself more. The tick would start out cooking easy meals on weekdays and only treating itself to a restaurant meal on weekends, but it would grow more difficult when their days get busier during the warm weather. As individualistic as ticks are, they would not be able to resist a coworker’s invitation to try that new sandwich spot down the road from their work, and would make it a tradition to get sandwiches together from then on. But it would only be once a week, which is a step up for the tick.

Journal Daily – Termites

Like reading, journaling is an easy way to slow down and spend some time alone after a busy day. We typically think of journaling as just writing about what we did that day, but it can be anything you want to write about: lists of favorite things, to-do lists, a letter to your future self, etc. One hardworking pest that could benefit from slowing down, especially since its work is so disruptive to our lives, is the termite. These eusocial insects work constantly to craft their tunnels in a wooden surface. The three social classes of termites – workers, swarmers, and soldiers – all have different tasks in order to keep the colony functioning smoothly and have a higher chance of survival. No matter what class it’s in, termites would resolve to spend some time journaling daily to decompress after a long day of invading a house. It would start out just writing down a list of tasks it completed that day, but would eventually use it as an idea journal for different projects it can do in the colony the next day. This pest would enjoy both planning and reflecting on its role in the colony, especially as it continues to grow more populous. The termite’s journal would eventually be filled with tunnel routes, delicious recipes using wood, and a list of goals for the next year.

Ring in the New Year With Great Pest Control – Green Pest Services

Whether you make your own New Year’s resolutions or you decide to start a new habit on a random Tuesday, keeping your home or business free of pests should be a top priority this year. Some pests gradually destroy the building or food over time, while others spread harmful diseases wherever they go because the bacteria lives on their bodies. At Green, we are committed to solving pest problems as soon as possible. We provide both preventative and responsive services in order to keep you pest-free with minimal stress. Plus, our EPA-approved products ensure that the pests are eliminated without using dangerous chemicals near your family and pets. Contact us for a free quote and for more information about how our team will solve your pest issues with the utmost care, so that you have more time to make 2023 the best year yet!

Citations

Interesting facts about millipedes. (n.d.). Terminix. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://www.terminix.com/blog/bug-facts/interesting-facts-about-millipedes/